snap

If you've been following along with me over the past few months (and the poor form of 20 blog posts this year) you'll know that I'm trying to get pregnant.
Through IVF now. And its hard.

And just let me say that this is my blog and I'll write what I want to write and it may seem like I'm complaining alot lately and maybe I am but that's how I'm dealing ok?

So now after a few setbacks I'm ready to go again. But its not that easy is it? No no no as my hormones have decided to have a big old party and won't settle down so I can GET THIS BLOODY NEW CYCLE HAPPENING! And sure I love a party but I just don't want one happening in my ovaries.

And so I have found myself stretching like a rubber band over the last few weeks. Waiting and waiting and getting angrier and angrier as each day passes and I'm not any closer to the finish. The finish being me and hubby holding our baby. Me (preferably with clean blow dried hair) smiling for that all important facebook shot.

And I know I'll look back on this moment when hubbs in taking forever to load up said facebook pics and I yell at him for doing it wrong and take over and I'll stop and think how insignificant this all seems now. But for now - this is my life. And its all consuming and I'm trying to snap out of it and get on with things but I can't. I'm stuck. And I feel helpless and I'm so angry. Mainly at myself. Cause all I've ever wanted to be was a mum. I've not wanted to be anything else. Just a stay at home mum. And my body is letting me down.

And I'm bloody terrified that we won't get to the happy facebook place.

So with all the hormones and all the angst I have snapped. I'm not proud of these Naomi Campbell moments. I have thrown a phone. I have screamed and cried and laughed and cried at the same time. I have looked at my husbands face and seen a man who is so frustrated that he can't fix this. No amount of spare room reorganising is going to fix this. And so I cry and I throw phones and for now its OK. Because it has to be. And it has to get better. Surely?