If you've been following along with me over the past few months (and the poor form of 20 blog posts this year) you'll know that I'm trying to get pregnant. Through IVF now. And its hard.
And just let me say that this is my blog and I'll write what I want to write and it may seem like I'm complainingalot lately and maybe I am but that's how I'm dealing ok?
So now after a few setbacks I'm ready to go again. But its not that easy is it? No no no as my hormones have decided to have a big old party and won't settle down so I can GET THIS BLOODY NEW CYCLE HAPPENING! And sure I love a party but I just don't want one happening in my ovaries.
And so I have found myself stretching like a rubber band over the last few weeks. Waiting and waiting and getting angrier and angrier as each day passes and I'm not any closer to the finish. The finish being me and hubby holding our baby. Me (preferably with clean blow dried hair) smiling for that all important facebook shot.
And I know I'll look back on this moment when hubbs in taking forever to load up said facebook pics and I yell at him for doing it wrong and take over and I'll stop and think how insignificant this all seems now. But for now - this is my life. And its all consuming and I'm trying to snap out of it and get on with things but I can't. I'm stuck. And I feel helpless and I'm so angry. Mainly at myself. Cause all I've ever wanted to be was a mum. I've not wanted to be anything else. Just a stay at home mum. And my body is letting me down.
And I'm bloody terrified that we won't get to the happy facebook place.
So with all the hormones and all the angst I have snapped. I'm not proud of these Naomi Campbell moments. I have thrown a phone. I have screamed and cried and laughed and cried at the same time. I have looked at my husbands face and seen a man who is so frustrated that he can't fix this. No amount of spare room reorganising is going to fix this. And so I cry and I throw phones and for now its OK. Because it has to be. And it has to get better. Surely?
So I've had a little break from blogging in the last two months. I've been focusing on the bumpy road of IVF.
I knew IVF was going to be hard. Everyone kept telling me "You knew it would be hard," but I guess its one of those things you have to do to appreciate. Here are my thoughts on the subject - they only reflect my personal experience. I have no medical training......clearly.
Warning this post contains information that may be TMI for some people, and to steal a joke from a very funny lady, I believe there's a very good horse called Blissful Ignorance running in the fifth at Randwick today so go get your form guide and we'll see you back here back tomorrow when there is going to be a cup cake post ;)
THE GOOD: Hormones make your hair grow thick and shiny and super healthy. Mine has never looked better. I had to buy new bra's - hormones make you go up a cup size. See good things happened. The overall experience has strengthened my relationship with my husband. He is amazing.. And my personal nurse. I didn't realise how brave I could be. I took time off work and watched movies. Sometimes in my pyjamas at 3pm. My bestie was always there to hear me crying, complaining, laughing over the details. Thank you. Acupuncture. I literally floated out of my weekly appointments. In a coma. It was great.
I planned some nice and relaxing activities for my two week wait 2WW. More on that later. One included glamming up my pathetic looking excuse for a recipe file and archiving all my Nana's recipes she has recently given me. I'm still looking forward to that project.
I found the wonderful online community that is bub hub IVF forum. It was nice to be able to share with women going through the same things at the same time and the highs and lows. I am happy to report that from out April IVF group 3 women are now happily pregnant! There is hope!
THE BAD: I haven't drunk alcohol since New Years Eve. And sometimes I crave a glass of champers or a pimms. Or a glass of pinotgris. Or a VLS. OK? I know that it was beneficial but you know sometimes its nice to have a little tipple over dinner. Or lunch. Whatevs.
I've had to undress and well "get up on the table". Like everyday for two weeks. Having ultra sounds. Those inside jobs. It can be a tad intrusive. Especially with a uterus so full of follicles you might burst. Or accidentally wet yourself. Not that that happened. Just sayin'.
Same with blood tests. Over it.
Bloating and swollen tummy. Like you would not believe. Waist circumference peaked at 91 cm. And its usually a whole lot less than that, in case you were wondering. I had to buy new trousers. CR size 12. The shame. The shame. I have been living in leggings. I read a blog about a women who wrote about the challenges of dressing an IVF body. Its not like a pregnant body - you don't want someone asking when you are due when you can't get knocked up. I was told by the nurses at my IVF clinic that the bloating will go away after two or three week. hhhmmm. Still waiting.
Trying to remain positive was hard. It just was.
Injections. I actually ran from my husband shrieking one morning when he was getting ready to inject me. Sure in was week 3 into the drama and I was over it but it was ugly. I used to cry most mornings. 9am - I dreaded it. We had to schedule everything around the bloody needles. I was so relieved when they were done. I know alot of people take the needles in their stride. I was not one of them. It was so yucky awful gross. The worst was the last week when I had to have two a day followed by a trigger injection to stimulate ovulation. That needle was waiting in our fridge for a month and I made the mistake of looking at it. It was so big and nasty that I chickened out and had my Mother in Law - a nurse, inject that bad boy. And PS. I didn't even feel it. She distracted me, the clever clogs.
Emotional and physical wreck. That's what I was. I still am. Katy Perry says it so well. I was hot when I was cold. I black and I was white. I was right though -ALL THE TIME. I kept saying to Hubs "Why are you even trying to argue with me" Maybe not my finest hour but I have a legitimate reason. You just don't argue with a hormonal woman. Surely that is the golden rule to marriage??
My first cycle had to be cancelled. We were devastated.
My cycle was cancelled as I became overstimulated. That means in non IVF speak, that my ovaries produced too many follicles from the medicine used to grow them to produce eggs to be collected and then fertilized. I am so exhausted by the process. I am exhausted writing that sentence.
Normally women produce around 12 follicles during IVF and around 10 will be mature and have eggs inside. I had 46 on my right ovary and 24 on my left. And follicles have to be grown to 20mm before they can be harvested. Yup it was bad. So bad. I couldn't walk for three days. It hurt to pee. It hurt to blink. I felt like I had water balloons inside by bladder. Filled with glass. Sorry this is the bit that is TMI.
But the good news was I got 22 eggs! That all fertilized and now I have 6 frozen embryo's waiting for me in a dish. Hopefully snuggled up and staying perfect. I like to imagine them with a nice cashmere blanket on. I know, I know. So now its just a waiting game till I get the all clear and my hormone levels finally drop to normal. My progesterone went from 300 to 1000 over night. That wasn't good. This is what I blame for the physcho dragon lady I became/ still am. And that was the reason my cycle was cancelled. My Dr thinks this is because of my age, the fact that I've had poly cystic ovarian syndrome and my weight! Ha. Ive put on 5 kilos in the last two months!
So after all of this I'm trying to see the positives. I have six gorgeous and healthy embryo's waiting patiently. Lots of women never get to this stage sadly so I am so grateful. I am also so blessed to be able to have IVF. I know its out of reach for so many people - and that is truly sad. And don't get me started on how amazing the technology is that can actually produce children from IVF.
And I get to have a glass of champers at my best friends engagement party. Just one now.
NB the 2WW is the time after an Embryo is implanted that you have to wait for a pregnancy blood test to see if it worked. I have heard that distracting yourself with loads of stuff can be a good way to cope. Like charades and basket weaving courses. Flower arranging and wallpapering the inside of wardrobes...We will see.com. x
I just might have to move to Milan. For a few reasons.
One reason is the 4 level Prada store in the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II. I literally died. I was in heaven. Bright blue leather hobo's.. be still my heart.
Attitude toward dogs. I love a city that treats dogs like humans. I saw dogs on tubes. Dogs in pizza shops sitting at tables. Dogs out for aperitif. Dogs in Prada. We just don't get that here. It disturbs me. Its European. I get it.
Men's fashion. Holy mother of pink pants. Never have I seen such detail to outfit planning. Exquisite tailoring. Risk taking. Impeccable accessorising and a sense of fay cequevoudras. Or anything goes. But with a cheeky I know I look good, I take this seriously but I'm still having fun twinkle in my eye. Yes yes I know. Bit obsessed. But there's nothing better than a well dressed man with a charming personality to boot. And perhaps with a golden cockerspaniel as a companion. I thought British men could dress but this is another ball game.
Bow ties for day wear. Sorry. But just gorgeous.
I am now projecting this new found obsession on my husband. When quizzed/ pushed he did say he would sport a bow tie! This has led to some googling and I have discovered a very dapper bow tie company in Sydney. Le NoeudPapillon. And they have a fun blog. http://www.lenoeudpapillon.com/blog.php. Lets just say I will be purchasing. We have my besties engagement party this weekend. Could call for some bow tie action.
Back to Milan, and sure there was the food, architecture, shopping in general and all that good stuff but really the thing I enjoyed the most was the well dressed men.